I met my mom in 2012. We were at a bible study at church. (for anyone who knows either of us, I hope you see the irony in this). I had recently moved to Madison, WI and was looking very specifically for a church community. I had met previous UCC church groups previously and felt so welcomed and accepted so I actively sought out a UCC church. I longed for that feeling again and a stronger spiritual connection that was safe for me. I never went to church as a kid and so when I wanted to join a church, I didn’t know how. On the website, I found the email for the pastor and I emailed her and basically asked: “How do I do this? Do I just show up?”. She sent me the sweetest reply and said why don’t we get together for coffee? In that meeting, she told me options I had and what church would be like and then she recommended a bible study group and I said I’d be interested in trying it.

I met this woman named Tina, she was outgoing and had a lot of the same questions I did about the bible and the whole Jesus thing. One day after bible study, she asked me: ‘What are your Thanksgiving plans, are you staying here or going back to NY?’. I remember thinking how much I hated these questions but I simply said that I had planned to stay in Madison but likely wouldn’t be celebrating the holiday. We had only met a few times but her immediate and next response was: ‘you are welcome to join me and my family for thanksgiving’. I thanked her and told her I’d think about it.

I didn’t actually end up going and opted for a friend’s thanksgiving that first year, but I reached out and thanked her for inviting me. She then invited me to coffee (persistently [-which if you know Tina doesn’t surprise you at all]) until I agreed. We met at Barriques. We talked and our friendship grew. She invited me over and we’d talk for hours on the couch, and one day I met my Dad, Rich. The look on his face the seventh or-so time I had been over talking with Tina for hours on end was clearly: “okay, what is this; what is happening?”. It took time for my Dad to become open to me being around, but our bond grew so much over the next few years.

Then, one morning Tina and I were just getting back from church and my best friends Mom called me. I remember thinking how weird it was, I talked with her semi-frequently, but it was primarily through Facebook messenger. I answered and she asked how I was. “Pretty good, how about you?” I replied. There was silence and then she said: ‘you don’t know, do you?’. I didn’t know… I didn’t know what she told me or how my life would change after that moment.

I had already felt such a close connection to Tina and Rich and I truly felt like family, most of the time, but if I had to go back in time and identify a moment that solidified that Tina and Rich were my Mom and Dad for me: this would be it. Tina walked through this entire day with me. This entire day of chaos. She sat with me during the events of that day, every phone call, every moment where there wasn’t anything I could physically do and then the uncertainty that came with everything that had happened. My Dad was also there. I remember he had work but came home early to be there if I needed anything. He checked in with my Mom the whole day and asked if there was anything he could do. He too, sat with me, he couldn’t fix or do anything, but he was there for me. I didn’t know it during this day, but I will look back on this day and see all the love they offered me and that I hadn’t gotten in similar events in my life.

Before this day, I had talked to my mom and my mom had told my dad about some of the events that had happened in my life, but on this day, they experienced what living my life was really like, and in spite of not knowing what to do, they were amazing parents: they loved me through the whole thing. They didn’t run away because it was difficult or hard. They sat with me. When it was over: they asked what I needed and then they held me while I cried. I cried for my family. I cried because of the uncertainty. I cried for myself as I grieved what I lost and what I expected to lose, and they held me. It is this terrible and awful day that holds some of the most loving memories I have of my parents. I know it made the day less traumatic. I can’t imagine having to have been alone, again, in one of the worst moments of my life.

Then there were all the happy moments, like college graduation… twice. I remember right before my undergraduate graduation I was inducted to an honor society for my grades. I remember I was on the phone with my mom the day before the ceremony and casually mentioned it. I don’t remember exactly what she said but it was along the lines of: “why didn’t you tell me?!” and then: “can we come?”. I remember telling her it’d be a short ceremony and they’d spend more time driving than at the ceremony. They didn’t care. My dad left work early and they were both there. On the outside, it was probably a very mundane moment for most people and was probably like any other ceremony, but to me, it meant the world that they were there.

Another time I went on the annual trip to Cape Cod with my parents. It was August of 2017. I was on my way to the cape and I made this post on Facebook:

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It had been 4 Years, 7 months and 20 days since the last time I was assaulted and I didn’t expect to hear from him but then I received a text from a number I didn’t know. I won’t quote it here in the event it might trigger someone, but I knew it was him. He threatened to come to the Cape. He mentioned that he knew where I was. I felt so stupid for not thinking about that before I posted it on Facebook. I had blocked him, but I also knew and was told multiple times that that wouldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t see my posts.

I felt like I was ruining my family’s vacation. This was their safe place, and just by being here I was making it incredibly hard for them to have that, by being a part of this loving family I was subjecting them to all my shit. I felt like maybe if I wasn’t there anymore that it would fix everything. That’s how it felt. I was terrified. I was so scared he’d come to the Cape and simultaneously I felt guilty for my feelings because I wanted my family to not have to worry about this stuff. I fluctuated between wanting to reach out and wanting to stay silent to not impact them any more than I already had. Though I have come to think about these moments differently, the thoughts of being different and bringing so much trauma into my chosen family still impact me. I don’t have thoughts that not being alive would be better for my family anymore; I know that they love me; that it is not my fault that these things come up, but I still feel that pull between staying silent and reaching out.  

While we were in the cape, my parents went to dinner one night with my aunt and uncle. I stayed in the cottage and was skyping with my best friend. My parents told my Aunt and Uncle about Alex, the abuse, and the texts I was getting. My family closed in around me. I don’t remember my Aunt or Uncle talking about what my parents had told them (though they may have), but I knew they knew. My Aunts walked with me on the beach. I remember one time walking between my Aunt and my Mom and feeling safe for the first time that whole week. My dad was especially helpful during this time. We never said much about any of it, but he was there, and he sat with me.

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My relationship with my parents is not defined by these moments, nor are the shitty things I talk about in this post the entire basis for that relationship, but these are painful moments in time where my parents have loved me unconditionally. It has been nearly seven years since I’ve known them and there have been no shortage of good and tough events that they have been there for, right by my side. I wanted to take a moment to write about my chosen family and the moments that have shaped me.

I love you both so much and I see you and many of the things you did and continue do for me. Thank you for being open to a daughter that was not born into your family. I wouldn’t be where I am without you.

Thank you to my Aunt, my Cousin, and my mom’s best friend: you constantly make me feel like I deserve to be a part of this family. I will never forget those things you’ve done and continue to do for me in those moments where I feel disconnected.

There are so many other people who are a part of my chosen family. Thank you. Thank you for choosing to be my family. I am lucky to have you.

For those who read this post not entirely having found your chosen family: I want you to know that it likely won’t look like my story (seriously, remember that I met my mom at a bible study). No, but really, you will find your tribe and your family, they’re often where you don’t expect to look, you may have even met them already. To those who love and embrace their tribe even if they’re not related to you: continue to do that. The impact you have may never be written in a blog post, but the impact is there, nonetheless.