The Next Level – Advanced Advice on Loving a Survivor

I’ve been in love with a survivor for nearly 6 years now, and married to her for 2.5. In those 6 years, I’ve never read anything about how to support or be in a relationship with a survivor …. probably because I’m all about toxic masculinity, and no real man would ever take advice from the internet on how to handle his business. Then my wife asked me if I’d write a guest post for her blog giving advice about how to support survivors. I tried to think of what I what I would write, and truth be told, I wasn’t able to come up with anything compelling on the first go around.

So after 6 years of actually doing it, I began to read up on what people are saying about being in relationships with survivors, and I realized something important. There seems to be a prevailing notion that, as men, we’re still at level 1 with this. The advice out there is plentiful, but it’s stunningly basic. Believe her. Be patient. It’s not your fault. Make her feel safe.

Alright, I get it. I know several men in relationships with survivors, and none of us would read the advice out there and get a stunning revelation about how we should behave. Wait…you mean I’m not supposed to just assume that she’s lying and say it’s her fault? I never would have guessed!

Look, it’s not difficult to get the basics right. We’re experts at belief and patience….and masturbating. But where do we go from there? This isn’t a “put a cast on it and wait” type of situation. What advice is there for dudes with high emotional intelligence about supporting the survivors they love? There really isn’t much. But like they say: there are no problems, only solutions waiting to be found. So here’s my solution, some next level advice. Time to elevate, gentlemen.

1. Be Solution Oriented – You’re going to have conflicts. There will be times you don’t understand why your partner behaves the way she does. You will become frustrated. If your partner has PTSD, you’ll have times you need to stop in the middle of getting it on and have to deal with that ‘testicles retracting into my small intestine because I feel like I just raped my partner’ feeling. The important thing is that you don’t let these situations turn into fights, blaming each other for the way you’ve behaved. Instead, assess and come up with a plan. Walk through what happened, and work with each other to figure out why you each acted the way you did. Then, come up with a plan or solution to try so that it doesn’t happen again. Frame it like, “Next time X happens, and we feel Y, let’s do Z. That way we can make sure each of us has their needs met, and we grow stronger together.” Agree that every difficulty is fair game for open and honest discussion that’s focused on finding a solution that works for you both, and then act on that solution. Commit to doing what you agreed on. This will help build your empathy for, and understanding of, each other. It’s an emotional challenge I cannot describe the difficulty of in words, but it’s worth it. It took my wife and me years to get there, but now there is no challenge we can’t face together because we have a process.
2. Self-Awareness is Key – Much of what I read on the interwebs included a point at the end about caring for yourself as well if you’re in a relationship with a survivor. It can be emotionally draining to process and manage everything, so it’s important to get the support you need as well. Great, so I talked to my bro over a couple of beers, and I got a massage…now what? Let’s go to the next level. You need to understand yourself. Figure out what makes you tick. What are your needs? Why do you react to certain things and not others? Why does gay porn gross you out but tranny porn is kind of hot? This is critically important because it allows you to be solution oriented more effectively. You can’t develop effective solutions if you don’t understand the problems to begin with. So learn about yourself; figure yourself out. Get help with it if you need to. Also, as a side note, talking about ‘self-care’ with men is more likely to lead to masturbation jokes than anything else. Hopefully that nugget helps you have more productive conversations in the future.
3. You Are Alone | Deal With It – Ok, that’s not exactly what I mean, but it got your attention, right? You’re not really alone, but it’s going to be tough to find help aside from the basic generalities. And that’s because your situation is unique. Survivors are not all the same. You are not all the same. PTSD does not manifest identically, or even similarly, in many people. The basics apply pretty much across the board, but once you go deeper, there aren’t many tangible broad things you can do. You need to figure out what works for your situation, so you have to be the type of person who is independent and focused on growth. You must have a commitment to self-improvement, and you must be willing to act on that commitment on your own. Sure, there are support networks for people in relationships with survivors, but here’s a typical conversation you can expect:

Me: So my wife and I found that when we talk about money we both project certain insecurities from our relationships with our parents into the discussion and tend not to agree on how to handle our finances. Do you have any strategies for coming together on something like that? On eliminating our biases and finding the method that works for us?

Support Group Guy: Um, did you validate her feelings? Also, remember to get care for yourself too.

Me: Bruh….

I don’t say this to be condescending, just to point out that you can’t really expect to find much in the way of real solutions out there.

4. It’s All About the Trauma, but Also Mostly Not – Trauma can affect any event in your life. A vacation, a dinner out, or even a drive to the grocery store can all be visited by the ghostly specter of the past. Such is life. Be prepared for that to happen, but don’t worry about it happening. Like with anything else, you make sure to make the necessary preparations but not stress about an eventuality which may never occur. I’m told white people put on sunscreen to prevent being sun burned. But do you walk around fretting about those Vitamin D rays all over you? Probably not. You’re not an air marshal keeping his head on a swivel for anything that may be a threat. Accept that your partner may be triggered at any time, and make an effort to learn about her triggers so you can respond appropriately should one occur. But remember that neither she, you, nor your relationship should be defined by the trauma. And I bet if you take some time to look at your life, you’ll find that most of your life is not about that. It might feel like the opposite sometimes, but you know, feelings….
5. Anchor, Anchor, Anchor – This is one of the strategies I’ve found most effective, and it’s a psychological technique that’s easy for you to support your partner with. It is possible to create physical anchors for certain memories or emotions. These can be things like pieces of jewelry, particular touches, or scents. Work with your partner, and ideally a therapist, to figure out an anchoring system that you an easily integrate into your lifestyle. It will help your partner manage triggering events or situations and return to a place of psychological safety and calm. Look it up. Do it.
6. Celebrate Your Victories – Your brain is elastic. It physically changes in response to repeated stimuli and learns particular behaviors as a result. Really, it’s a thing. So it’s important to reward your brain when you do something right. It will train you to seek out that reward again and replicate that behavior. When you find a solution to a problem, celebrate it. Get some cake or flowers, or get lit on some LSD, whatever floats your boat. Recognize when all the effort you have put in yields positive results. Give yourself recognition for overcoming challenges and becoming better. Tell your partner that you notice her effort and growth too. It’s important to recognize success so that you crave more of it. Some people like doing hits of cocaine. I like doing hits of ‘handling my business like a fucking boss,’ and you should try to feel the same, although probably in terms that suit you better.

Well, there you have it. Hopefully, this helps someone out there. And if not, maybe it will spark a discussion of something more than just simple platitudes we can give to our partners. If nothing becomes of this, c’est la vie. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I wish you all the best. Know that you’re loved, and know that you’re not alone.

By Sultan Ahmed