Category: Aftermath
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On the Brightside (of Reality)
I tend to look for the best in people, situations, and experiences. I am often the person in the room advocating or giving the benefit of the doubt to someone everyone else agrees doesn’t deserve it. I tend to appreciate the little things in experiences or in otherwise dire circumstances. None of this means I…
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Triggers and Tripwires
As I sit down to write this, my heart feels heavy, my hands trembling slightly on the keyboard. My thoughts are going 1,000 miles per minute but my body still feels like it’s lagging. How is that even possible? For those who haven’t experienced it, a trigger might seem like a simple word or image…
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Reintegrating Self-Care…Clumsily
A few months ago my biological father passed away and if I am honest, I am still processing and coping with the loss of my bio dad, the relationship we had (and didn’t have), and what could have been. I don’t know how long grieving his death will take but I do know it’s time…
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Awareness
People know what happened to me. This was my biggest fear when I was younger and now… people know. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know, too: I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. As a child, I tried consciously and desperately to hide what I was going through. When…
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What if it happens again?
Every once in a while, something happens to me and it shakes my confidence; I find myself asking: ‘is there a target on my head’? I see the overlap in patterns of what abusive men (in particular) say to women and girls. The same phrases, methods of control and manipulation, and behaviors seem to be…
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11 Years later (an anniversary post).
It was the late evening hours of December 16, 2012, and I was studying for my exams in my room which was located in the basement of my childhood home. My cat, Nala, keeps nudging her nose up against my papers in an attempt to pull my attention from my studying. I was about to…
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Safety: in numbers, experience, and practice
My therapist asks me how my coworkers would describe me and adds: do they treat you like you’re a child? A pause for a few seconds to think… I ask myself how I think my coworkers would describe me. Outloud I say: “I think they would describe me as smart and… kind”. Now that I…
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Mandatory reporting of [my] sexual abuse
![Mandatory reporting of [my] sexual abuse](https://findingtaylor.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/blog.webp?w=500)
*The views reflected in (my blog and) this post do not reflect the views of any of the organizations I am affiliated with* When I was 11 years old, I reached out to RAINN’s online messaging system- this was relatively new technology at the time in 2003/2004. I messaged the counselor and shared some of…
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Lessons from Therapy and TikTok
A Protector Stands: Caretaking is my defense a make-shift shield I drive to work. News: Witness to a war far away Yellow Sunflowers Focus on their needs Understand their perspective Read their emotions Fix; Mend; patch. Carry, Listen, Trust, Nod, Hold Forgive wrongdoing This my programming Instinct. Unconscious. Impulse. I don’t even try: ON Autopilot:…
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Massage as a tool for healing critical wounds
When I think about my healing and the factors that make a difference for me: massage is one of the things at the top of that list. I’ve heard many survivors consider massage at various points in their own healing and I wanted to write about what massage has been like for me in the…
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I don’t wanna be human.
On Tuesday a received a comment on my blog from a fellow survivor: ‘I was up all night working through some stuff and I felt like I hit a wall… I needed a good example and then I remember about your blog.” I was also up the night before- hitting my own wall. I realized…
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A conversation with a younger me…
Hiya. It’s me, well, you but from another time- much later in our life. Can I give you a hug? No? That’s okay, I understand. Is it okay if I talk to you? No- you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. If I’m overwhelming you- can you curl your fingers in and…
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Why I go back (to NY)…
I think sometimes it’s hard for people in my life to understand why I travel back to N.Y. Some trips back are easier than others: it all depends on my anxiety levels before the trip, what support I have or don’t have, and who I run into while I’m in N.Y. (among other things). I…
Finding Taylor 