I tend to look for the best in people, situations, and experiences. I am often the person in the room advocating or giving the benefit of the doubt to someone everyone else agrees doesn’t deserve it. I tend to appreciate the little things in experiences or in otherwise dire circumstances. None of this means I don’t see the bad in people, situations, or experiences. Don’t get me wrong- I could and still can wallow in self-pity just like anyone else, but when I am operating at my best, I tend to look on the bright side.

It’s hard for me to not think about this trait as connected to what happened to me- though it’s hard to pinpoint exactly how. If you’re new to my blog, welcome! I write about being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. From the ages of 11 years old to 17 years old I was sexually abused by a family friend. I call my abuser: “Alex” in my posts. I write for the other survivors out there to know they’re not alone, and for my own healing.

I’d like to think I became kind, out of spite. Anyone who knows me can attest that this is the most likely cause of my optimism, however, there are a few other possible explanations. It’s possible being kind and looking for the good is a coping mechanism. Or do I focus on the positive traits in others because that allows me to process what happened to me- rather than fall into a perpetual cynicism or nihilism? It could be that I choose to hold onto this optimism or kindness because it is a trait that I believe existed in me before the abuse. Other times… I think it’s because I just wish that people in my life hadn’t made assumptions about me when they didn’t actually know what was happening…. sometimes…. by the time Alex left, I only had an hour or two before school. I often hadn’t slept, I was in pain, and it was difficult to concentrate on anything except just getting through that day.

Despite all I was experiencing I still wasn’t mean, at least not intentionally. Back then, I didn’t want people sleeping over my house. I didn’t really date until I was 17 years old- I would say no to anyone who asked me out because I had no idea what Alex would do if he found out I was dating. I kept a very small group of friends and was often distant from them when the abuse got bad. I did a lot of things and acted in ways that I wouldn’t have otherwise, and I think I look back on these experiences and wonder: if someone who didn’t know what I was going through and assumed something about me without knowing why I was acting this way, they probably would judge me pretty harshly for the way I acted.

Having encountered the impact of difficult people, I understand what it feels like to be hurt by them. Seeking the positive qualities in others doesn’t mean I overlook their toxic traits, problematic behaviors, or poor choices. It also doesn’t imply that I believe everyone has good intentions or that red flags should be ignored. I’ve made the decision to distance myself from those who consistently or intentionally cause harm, and I maintain solid boundaries with individuals whom I don’t fully trust.

I frequently seek to understand the motivations behind people’s behavior. When someone inflicts harm on another, I’m interested in uncovering what drives their actions. It’s not in my nature to retaliate or lash out when I’m hurting. Often, people who cause harm may be driven by their own experiences of suffering, either consciously or unconsciously, and they might not want to face their pain alone. In other cases, harmful behavior can be a learned response, shaped by their own experiences.

Focusing on the positive doesn’t mean I’m free from experiencing pain, frustration, anger, or resentment, especially when others take advantage of me or those close to me. While I’m curious about the reasons behind people’s actions, that doesn’t absolve them of responsibility. I often find myself most frustrated with Alex when dealing with the challenges of my autoimmune disease. My anger usually shifts to sadness, and I don’t linger in anger for long. Embracing a positive outlook doesn’t erase the pain I feel or undo what I’ve been through. My happiness doesn’t negate the fact that I’ve faced some horrific things.

My tendency to focus on the positives in people does make me somewhat vulnerable. I get criticized for always trying to see the good. It’s often pointed out to me that I am naive in a lot of ways. I suppose it can be uncritical to focus on the good… but I don’t think it’s childish or unsophisticated. In fact, seeing the good when everyone else is caught up in the bad, might be an act of bravery… or foolishness, I guess it depends on how you look at it or maybe what the outcome is. Personally, I choose to look on the Brightside.