People know what happened to me. This was my biggest fear when I was younger and now… people know. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know, too: I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

As a child, I tried consciously and desperately to hide what I was going through. When the abuse started, I went from an average C student to a straight A student in all my classes in one semester. I was a gymnast, and my injuries were easily explained away by my sport. I hoped that no one would think twice about the bruises or broken bones. I tried to hide behind a smile and good grades. I worked hard to hide what I was experiencing from people in my life, and now, people I am not close with, know what happened to me.

The thought that keeps coming up in my head is that it’s: ‘weird’. I don’t know how else to describe the feeling when someone else acknowledges what I’ve been through…. out loud… it feels surreal. You may be thinking: ‘you write a blog- of course people know’. The thing is: I neither intended nor thought that this blog would reach enough people to reach those who didn’t know me well. I share this on Facebook and Instagram. I don’t post my blog on other mediums. I don’t promote my blog either. It exists on the internet, and it’s, of course, searchable, but the way I post doesn’t lend itself to reaching a lot of people.

Generally, the response has been one where people are respectful and kind. People who have expressed knowing about my history do so in a way that acknowledges that they are aware of how things might impact me. Twice this week and once last week folks have warned me about the content of something. It looks something like: “Hey… are you aware of what this (service, talk, or book) is about sexual violence?” They’re looking out for me and making sure that I know what I am about to hear. It is a way of being cared for that I am used to from my parents and some close support people in my life.

I appreciate the people that aren’t afraid to acknowledge that they know. It takes courage to address it when they could simply ignore that they know. I just don’t always know how to respond yet. I find these conversations somewhat awkward because I don’t know what to say. I developed scripted answers to questions about my biological family, holidays, and my childhood but now these scripts don’t quite work. I am able to be more authentically myself. I am able to be more honest and open. I can advocate for myself and others in different ways than before, but it’s still weird for me.

I am able to understand and take these gestures for what they are: kind attempts to preface something that might be upsetting to me because they now know I am a survivor of sexual abuse. This has been one of the positive consequences of more people knowing what has happened to me. There are negative ones as well. Some of these negative consequences are within myself like: I wonder things like: “Will they look at me differently now that they know?” or “what if they use something in my blog against me?”. The truth is both of these things have already happened and as shitty as the latter was- I was, ultimately, fine.

I still have fears about people knowing: that they’ll look at me differently, or think that I am less able to do certain things because of the abuse I experienced. I worry about gossip in various organizations I am a part of. I worry about being treated differently. I know I can’t control any of these things but they still cause me anxiety.

I think sometimes we expect awareness to be something that survivors pursue wholeheartedly and without hesitation. Awareness of someone’s story can come from reading their blog, but it can also come from newspapers, media sources, gossip, and social media posts. Not all knowledge of the abuse someone experienced comes from the survivor and the survivor may not want people to know. Awareness is sometimes thrown at us, and in those situations- we try to make the best of it.

The people I was worried about knowing- they know now, and there’s a freedom in that. I can add who I want to on social media without weighing whether I care if they know that I am a survivor of sexual violence or whether they’ll see my blog. While I didn’t expect this to happen so soon- I also don’t have to hide what I’ve been through anymore. I’m torn about it. On the one hand, not getting to choose who I tell and what I tell is a bit retraumatizing, on the other hand I don’t have to hide anymore. Awareness is complicated and ‘weird’.