*The views reflected in (my blog and) this post do not reflect the views of any of the organizations I am affiliated with*

When I was 11 years old, I reached out to RAINN’s online messaging system- this was relatively new technology at the time in 2003/2004. I messaged the counselor and shared some of what I was going through. The counselor asked me how old I was: I said something like 14 or 15. I was 11 but I thought that if I said I was older the counselor wouldn’t see it as a big deal. After talking a bit more: the counselor messaged me and said that they were a mandated reporter. I was terrified and googled ‘mandated reporter’. As soon as I read this I stopped messaging the counselor- I was freaking out! What if they called the police?? The internet said they had to have information like my name, where I lived, and who was hurting me and I hadn’t shared any of that… but I was still nervous.

I was terrified to learn that there were adults I couldn’t trust with what I was going through unless I wanted Child Protective Services [CPS] involved. In this situation, it is likely that RAINN’s counselor didn’t have enough information from me to report this to the police or CPS in my state.

I learned and googled as much as I could so I knew who I couldn’t tell about what I was experiencing: I knew that I couldn’t tell people in my life like teachers, counselors, police officers, doctors, or social workers. I learned this from google and Law and Order Sexual Victims Unit (SVU).

You might be wondering: why didn’t I want someone to intervene in what I was going through?  I did. I wanted the abuse to stop, but I was terrified of what might happen to my family if I told. I was 11 years old, so when I considered telling people about Alex, my fears were widely based on my own beliefs about what would happen and what I had learned from popular media.

I was afraid that CPS would separate me from my younger brother. This was my biggest fear. Until I met with a victim advocate at 17 years old- I was never asked what my biggest fear was. If someone had addressed this fear for me while talking with me about my options for stopping the sexual abuse- I believe I would have been more open to intervention. I was my brother’s protector and I took on that responsibility at a young age. I was afraid someone would come in and split us up. I didn’t want that and I was willing to continue to keep quiet to be close to my brother and make sure he was okay.

I was scared that I would have to go to court and testify and talk about what happened in front of my abuser. When you watch shows like Law and Order, so many of the victims go to court and testify about their abuse- I didn’t want to do that. I was afraid that my abuser would hurt my family or me. I didn’t want to speak about what happened in front of everyone: my family, strangers [jury], and Alex. I didn’t want my classmates to know. I wanted it to stop, without having to uproot my whole life.

I was afraid my abuser would retaliate against me. Alex told me if I told he would kill me and my family. Alex told me that no one would believe me over him. Alex told me that he knew people who would say he was in one place when he was really with me. He told me people would blame me, too, and that they would look at me differently. He told me they would take me away and my brother would still be at home. I had no reason not to believe him and a lot of reasons to believe he was telling the truth. Alex made me reach out to them constantly and they knew where I was all the time. They attended my high school events: my high school prom and graduation. They had injured me. They did know people.

How many people suspected or knew I was experiencing abuse: ultimately, I don’t know. There are at least four people that knew or suspected what I was going through and they choose to intervene.

One individual: intervened when I was 11 and had bruises on my wrists. They saw the bruises: and asked me about them, and I was honest. At this time, before I contacted RAINN, I didn’t know much about what I was going through. I didn’t know what a mandated reporter was. I was sent to my school’s counseling office where I met with a social worker. The social worker asked me if my parents were physically harming me at home and I answered all of these questions honestly and I said no. They sent me back to class and called my parents to interview them. I was yelled at later at home for ‘making my family look bad’. This intervention made me more conscious of hiding my bruises and staying away from teachers who I might confide in.

Another 11-year-old: told her parent. I had confided in her about what I had been experiencing and I begged her not to tell anyone. One week we were texting and she invited me over for the weekend to sleep over at her house and I told her no. I thought I should be home.  I told her that I thought my abuser would be there and I was worried about what would happen if I wasn’t home. She happened to be with her Mom in the car and my friend was visibly upset. Her Mom noticed this change in her and coaxed the reason out of her.

My friend’s parent: then talked to me directly, made me tell, and talked to me about what I went through. This adult checked in to make sure I had told someone, and I had. This individual allowed me to sleep over in their home on any day (including week/school nights) and I took them up on this for an extended period of time. This intervention likely prevented many nights of sexual abuse.

The last of these adults who intervened: this adult was my boyfriend’s parents. I will address them together as a single individual and talk a little about what they did. First, I was given permission to spend the night in ways that other of their kids’ friends were not allowed (similar to the individual above). Secondly, I was not allowed to go back to my house alone. Third, I had to have a GPS app on at all times. Fourth,  I was allowed to sleep on their couch but I was not allowed to go into my boyfriend’s bedroom. Finally, I was taken to a victim advocate. I was forced to go. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I was determined not to talk to this person either.

I have limited memory of high school. What I do remember are the nights the abuse got really bad, the days at school afterward, and how I felt as a result of the people in my life who tried to help me. I still wonder what would have happened if CPS had become involved in my life: I don’t know that I would be where I am today. My over-achieving disposition was a trauma response, but professionals weren’t looking for the kid getting A’s and B’s; attending clubs; or ‘thriving’.

There were a lot of other things people in my life did that got me through the day-to-day. Some of the people who intervened might not have known about the abuse I experienced but their actions, nonetheless, had an impact on my experience as a survivor. For example, many teachers at my high school gave me a safe place. I spent a lot of time staying after school, joining clubs, or reading at the library to avoid going home. My teachers allowed my brother (who was two grades younger than me), to come into my homeroom, study hall, or business classes without a pass or permission from his teachers. This gave me a chance to check in on him and for us to bond. This time was even more important as we both got older because I wasn’t living at home. I was very protective of my younger brother and was worried that he might face retaliation for my staying at other people’s houses. My teachers also gave me grace. I was exhausted in the earlier years of high school and extremely hypervigilant in the later years. I was allowed to go to my best friend’s classes and being near her calmed me- sometimes I could even rest for a moment.

I wonder if any of my other teachers suspected that I was experiencing sexual abuse at home. Ultimately, the people who intervened in what I was experiencing helped me survive. They gave me the opportunity to experience safety, even for a limited time.

Mandated reporting is complicated. It’s designed to make people who are equipped to intervene aware of what is happening to young people. Mandated reporting doesn’t take age into account: as a mandated reporter, you are obligated to report even if you suspect a child is being abused. It doesn’t matter if the child is 5 or three weeks from their eighteenth birthday: you’re required to make a report. This doesn’t mean that someone will intervene or that what that child is experiencing will stop.

One of the advantages of mandated reporting is that it creates a trail of documented incidents or suspected abuse in a home. Even if no one intervenes immediately, that trail of reports can lead to intervention in the future. Being a mandated reporter is hard because I see its intention and purpose but I also know that for some kids, intervention is their biggest fear.

We can be there for our young people by explaining the limits of confidentiality, clearly. Teaching kids about healthy and unhealthy interactions with adults can help kids identify that what they’re experiencing isn’t normal or okay. It’s important to be aware of your obligations and who to report to. Identifying resources that young people can go to, that aren’t mandated reporters, can also get young people support especially if they are fearful of what might happen.