When I think about my healing and the factors that make a difference for me: massage is one of the things at the top of that list. I’ve heard many survivors consider massage at various points in their own healing and I wanted to write about what massage has been like for me in the hopes that another survivor might find this useful.

Originally, the thought of getting a massage was scary for me. I can get triggered by other people touching me, so when I thought about massage, I thought it would be me laying there getting scared over and over while someone was trying to help me ‘relax’.

My (now) husband, boyfriend at the time, was the one who got me into massage. He recommended I give it a try numerous times before I finally did. I googled ‘massage therapists near me’ and looked at websites until one stood out to me. I called and booked an appointment, but when I was handed the health form to fill out before my massage I didn’t disclose that I was a sexual abuse survivor. I found that massage had a lot of benefits for me as someone that: holds tension in their neck and shoulders and exercises sporadically and irregularly. In the beginning, these were the things I focused on.

First, finding a trauma-informed massage therapist was key, for me.

My first consistent massage therapist was a recommendation from a friend: ‘she’s witty, nice, and talented; I think you two would hit it off’. I figured: what the heck- it’s worth a shot. When I got to my first appointment and I met Amanda, after exchanging pleasantries she explained: I know you came here on a recommendation of another one of my clients and I want you to know that even though you both are friends outside of here, I will NOT share any information about you with your friend without your consent. I was shocked- not that I didn’t know about confidentiality but she obviously took it seriously.

The thing that shocked me the most was her demeanor- she seemed genuinely caring and supportive, and though there wasn’t a single piece of paper in the office in which she claimed she was ‘trauma-informed’- I knew she was. Her acknowledgment that I had come here on the recommendation of a mutual friend, her explanation and focus on maintaining confidentiality, and her overall ‘vibe’ made me feel like I could trust her. This is a hard thing to achieve with a survivor of sexual violence, especially so quickly, as many of you know.

The thing is: you’re rarely going to walk into a massage therapy office and see the words ‘trauma-informed’ on a pamphlet or a sign. Often, you have to look for signs that the massage therapist (and studio) is safe. You also may not feel safe or trusting of your massage therapist as quickly as I was in this situation- and that’s okay, too.

You have to first think about what’s important to you as a survivor: for me, especially at the beginning of my journey, I didn’t disclose my abuse often. The times I did, I felt like I was forced to or needed to for someone else. I often worried about others finding out what happened to me so when Amanda prioritized my privacy and autonomy in deciding who would know what I told her- it had a huge impact on me.

Her genuineness and the safety I felt during that first appointment led to me self-disclosing my abuse for the first time on a health information form. It was the first time I had done this on a form outside of my medical doctor- and even that was only a recent development at this time. Amanda addressed it right away in a kind and concerned manner, and she asked if there were any particular triggers for me she should avoid.

(Second:) Disclosing the sexual abuse was important, for me, to experience massage as a healing therapy.

I understand that the thought of disclosing (to yet another person) may sound intimidating or downright impossible for some survivors, that’s okay, this is simply my journey and maybe self-disclosure isn’t necessary for you. For me, when I experienced the sexual abuse as a kid, I disassociated a lot, and this led to me feeling disconnected from my body. Massage, helps me to reconnect, and feel more whole and integrated. Massage is also a place for me to experience platonic touch- something that was helpful in regard to my own personal history.

Third: massage helps me to learn new skills I can utilize when my body is hurting- notably teaches an alternative to harm in response to memories.

For me, when a body memory would come up for me: I would try to ‘run it off’, literally. For some people running can be a healthy coping skill, for me (for a long time) it wasn’t. I would run and run until I threw up or passed out because then I couldn’t feel whatever was coming up for me. When I was a kid, I wouldn’t run for weeks and then one day in the midst of stress or anxiety, I’d run 8miles-10miles. I was a gymnast and was active and fit, but I was not ‘8-10 miles fit’. I would pass out or throw up and then walk home, feeling much better. I was so exhausted I couldn’t even feel my anxiety or stress anymore. All I could feel was my heartbeat and my muscles throbbing. (Running eventually became a healthy coping skill, but that’s a story for a different time).

Massage taught me a kinder approach to my body: it taught me that careful attention and focus on the hurting part, rather than avoiding it, can help bring healing.

Sometimes, massage helps me see things that I need to bring up in therapy. For example, my massage therapist might say: I noticed your leg muscles are tighter than normal, and unless I’ve done a hard leg workout or gone for a run, this is an indicator for me that I’ve been thinking about the abuse more- maybe even subconsciously.

Still, other times, it helps me focus on my body after a hard therapy session. If my massage is soon after therapy, I’m able to see how my body reacts to platonic and caring touch. When my body is sensitive to this touch, I may ask for lighter or harder pressure to counteract or I may ask for a heated blanket to provide extra comfort. In this way, I learn to ally with my body rather than ignoring or hurting it.

For me: having a trauma-informed or ‘safe’ massage therapist, allows me to safely disclose this part of my history and experience the full benefit massage has to offer me. I learn new skills for connecting with my body and am challenged to meet my body with compassion and understanding. Massage quite literally ‘teaches me new skills’ I don’t learn massage but I develop a new way of approaching and listening to my body.