Hiya. It’s me, well, you but from another time- much later in our life. Can I give you a hug? No? That’s okay, I understand. Is it okay if I talk to you? No- you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. If I’m overwhelming you- can you curl your fingers in and make a fist? To let me know I need to stop? I know it can be hard to say ‘no’ out loud.

You know you won’t shatter, right? If someone hugs you and you feel that love… you won’t break. I know you feel like if you are hugged for too long by someone who loves you- it will all just come out. Like that time at the island house where you were hit with the towel, and then just stood there. When someone noticed- you immediately went to the shower to cry alone. When you collected yourself, you returned to the couch to read, and the mom of the boy who hit you- lifted the blanket you were using to hide and saw the welts. She was heartbroken and annoyed at her son. Alex only took the blanket from you when you did something he didn’t like so this feels like you’re in a lot of trouble and you feel scared and naked and just want to hide. You’ll retain this memory into adulthood, all of the adults and their faces imprinted in your mind and the look his mom gave you. You wanted to tell her in that moment that it was fine because it was nothing compared to what Alex was doing to you, both to say ‘you don’t have to be mad- I’m okay’ and ‘I don’t want to hurt like this anymore- please help me’. That thought instantly terrified you. You wanted to be saved from Alex but you didn’t want to hurt anyone and you didn’t want the police involved and you didn’t think anyone would hear you or worse- they would say: ‘you never should have said anything’ and what if Alex found out you told- he kill you and them. What would happen to this person who cared so deeply about you? You felt like if she hugged you: you’d just tell her everything.

I am here to tell you it’s okay to let people see you- the real you, the tears, the scars, your story. It’s scary and I know you’re afraid of hurting anyone, but it shouldn’t be all on your shoulders… I know, I know you can hold it all on your own, but the truth is you shouldn’t have to- IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. I know… I know he told you… and I know that your body didn’t always listen to you- but none of that changes who is at fault here. Sweetie, you are a child. I know, I know you don’t feel like one, and you’ve been doing grown-up things for a while now but you are a child when it comes to sex- you are not old enough to consent to sex. You are being forced.

You were sold. I know it was only once, but once is enough sweet girl. Once is all it takes. That was a terrifying experience- I’m proud of you for doing what you needed to do to survive that night. I know you said ‘no’. I know. I know that you fought really hard even though they told you not to. I know you feel like that one guy didn’t really want to be there- and you sometimes feel bad for him- but the truth is: he made a choice. It’ll take a long time before you believe these words, but I want you to hear them- it’s important that you know that this is, is not yours to carry. You survived this. You did what you needed to…

I see, I see your hand. Is there anything you need right now?

Would it be helpful if I tell you a few things about our future? Some good things? Open your hand for ‘yes’, keep it closed for ‘no’. Okay, I’m gonna start with some good things and if you need me to stop, you just close your hand again.

Eventually, One day, we’ll share our life with good people- like really good people, who love us and believe us and will not hurt us. It’s better than you can even imagine. All this work you’re doing- the long nights studying, your Gymnastics, and the long days- all of that will help us finally leave this behind. The path there isn’t linear and there will be set backs, but ultimately this will not be your forever. Your variety in your music hasn’t changed much, you still love drawing- and hate people seeing what you draw, and ultimately Architectural Drawing isn’t our thing, but we do turn out to be a pretty awesome person. I see you’re smiling, feeling a bit better? You are an incredible human that I am thankful to be. You maintained your love and kindness through some horrific things. I see you sweet girl.

You are so incredibly loved- there are so many people cheering for you right now. It’s okay to choose yourself. It’s not mean or hurtful or wrong- you’ll need to choose you sometimes. We don’t get much better at this at least by our 28th birthday- but let’s check in a few years down the line… maybe a miracle will happen. Your stubbornness is both your greatest asset and your biggest barrier- but you knew that already, didn’t you? Have fun at CC’s tonight- try to sleep. I love you more, I win.

I’ll check back in soon. Bye!

P.S Also, they are going to tell you to take Calc 1 and AP Stats in the same year when you ask if they think you can do it: yes you can do it, but don’t do it, it’s a trap!! A free period or lunch wouldn’t kill you, kid.