I think sometimes it’s hard for people in my life to understand why I travel back to N.Y. Some trips back are easier than others: it all depends on my anxiety levels before the trip, what support I have or don’t have, and who I run into while I’m in N.Y. (among other things).

I love the water and waterfalls, and sometimes standing by the Lewiston docks, overlooking the entrance to Lake Ontario fulfills me in a way nothing else can. I can see the treelined cliffside and beautiful homes that line the Canadian riverside. I can hear the seagulls, squawking and hoping a passerby will drop a fry from their basket of food from the Silo Restaurant. I think of the nights I walked here to clear my head. Sure, 200ft away on a hill known as ‘suicide hill’ carries some rough memories for me- but here, by the water, my feet hanging off the edge of the swinging bench by the water- I feel connected to my roots.

Speaking of roots- one of the big reasons I go back is to see my family and friends. Sitting alongside people who have seen my story unfold chapter by chapter- with me, brings me a sense of peace and wholeness. My best friend experienced this trauma alongside me at times and this time gives us a chance to talk about those moments; express concerns or fears; and help each other make sense of what happened. My brother has been in my life since my literal day one. He knows me (and picks on me) in ways that no one else can. It can be hard for him to process what I’ve been through and we both cope with humor and sarcasm. He can joke with me about my childhood and knows who I am in a way that only my N.Y people can.

Wholeness is something in my journey of finding myself that I’ve realized is experienced in moments for me, a moment here or there, and that sense of peace, even for a moment is just an incredible feeling. In order to truly understand why I go back to N.Y. you have to consider and hear the significance of the following: We all want to feel like we belong like we have a family, and like we can call a place home. It’s more significant for me as an abuse survivor because the abuse fragmented my sense of self. There is the before (the abuse) and after (the abuse). For me, for a long time, there were people that knew, and those who didn’t. There are personality traits I had before and those I have now. There are those who knew me while I was going through it and those that know me now. Discerning whether the way I am, who I am is who I would be without this experience creates fragments that don’t feel quite integrated. I say ‘were’ because this has gotten better in that there are moments or periods of time where I feel whole and integrated, but there are also times I don’t. Being able to feel whole, complete, and integrated is something I chase as a survivor of sexual abuse. I crave that feeling of belonging and acceptance- not just from those around me, but from myself. So these moments in N.Y. where I feel like I am connecting to my roots is not just about connecting with blood relatives or even my friends… it is about that feeling of wholeness. (I experience this wholeness in Wisconsin, too, but this post isn’t about that).

It’s not all unicorns and butterflies when I go back. Being in N.Y. does raise my anxiety and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest each day. It is harder for me to sleep there. I think about my past more. My memories and triggers feel closer to the surface. I fall into old patterns of thinking: ‘I can’t reach out for help because I’m ‘choosing’ to go back to N.Y’; ‘am I putting myself in this situation as a form of self-harm’; or ‘what if something happens and no one believes me’. I look over my shoulder and anyone who slightly resembles Alex sends my heart into my stomach. I can’t wear certain clothing in N.Y. because my sensory overload happens more quickly there. My hypervigilance is at 100%. It is exhausting and draining and when I come back to my home- I can breathe a big sigh of relief, but it still takes me time to recover from these trips.

So why go back? It’s worth it for me. This is not a 100% logical, entirely devoid of emotional connection analysis and if I could see the future or know with certainty what will happen each time I make that choice- maybe it would be different but I can only work with what I know and right now, going back is worth it for me. Ultimately, going back to N.Y. is a personal choice I make but it is one that wouldn’t be so hard to make if I hadn’t gone through the abuse and my abuser wasn’t still out there. I take efforts to make a solid safety plan in my head and communicate that with people I need to, but when you ask questions like: Why does Taylor go back to N.Y? I hope you know that I don’t do so without planning; that it does fulfill the needs I have of connection and belonging and, ultimately, it is not my responsibility to prevent violence and abuse from happening to me.

One piece of traveling back to N.Y that is always a part of my travel is my desire to caretake those around me. A part of me, that cares for others before myself takes over: I think ‘How does this person in my life feel about me traveling and how can I reassure them that I’ll be okay?’ Whether that’s check-ins, or changing when and how often I look at my phone, or not going to certain places- I put the needs of others in my life, first. I’ve been born into a culture that sees that as a good thing and sometimes I even feel like this is good, but sometimes I lose sight of my needs when I travel back to N.Y. I can hold both others’ needs and my needs at the same time but it doesn’t come naturally to me.

This is a post I’ve had in my drafts for a while now but it seems relevant to contemporary events as I see the media ask questions like: ‘Why would Gabby Petito… [insert literally anything here]?’ My intent in this post isn’t to criticize folks who have these questions: I answered my ‘whys’ honestly for those who wonder why I go back to N.Y. I do hope to answer those whys while also bringing forth awareness of who is ultimately at fault during situations of violence and abuse.

I choose to go back for myself because it is important to me and for all the reasons I talk about above.