I am currently in Indianapolis- traveling to go see the cast of critical role, live at Gen Con. I have been looking forward to this trip for months. For one, I get to see these amazing voice actors live- so pumped. But in addition, I get to see my best friend, who I don’t get to see very often! I couldn’t wait. I have had a countdown on my phone for months that finally reads: ‘Today’.

Last night, I got to my hotel around 5:30, checked in and went to my room. I decided I was going to go out and get a bite to eat and stop at Wal-Mart. I left my hotel room and decided to take the stairs- which led me to a door on the side of the building. I went out and there was a man and two women standing next to him. When I looked at him, he said: ‘Hey Gorgeous, are you enjoying this weather?”. I ignored him. He said it again, this time adding: ‘I bet I could show you a good time’, then he started walking towards me. The two women said and did nothing. I managed to get to my car before he got to me- there happened to be three people standing next to their car talking (which was right behind mine)- and when I looked back, the guy was gone.

Here were my first thoughts: ‘Do I have a sign on my head that says: please attack me?’; ‘Jeeze, I handled this so much better as a child’; ‘If I had done X, maybe this wouldn’t have happened’, ‘maybe I was misinterpreting his intentions’ and ‘everyone will think I am making this up to stay at a different hotel’. I immediately drove to the closest large parking lot and then had multiple panic attacks. I texted my husband and asked him to book me another room somewhere else. My husband had booked the hotel originally and after I told him, his first comment (after asking if I was okay) was: ‘I’m sorry I put you in this position’. I was shaking so badly I didn’t think I’d be able to drive to the new hotel.

I have mentioned in a previous post the importance of talking about the person choosing to do these types of things, and this is a perfect example of why we need to do that more often. I have been trained by my upbringing, and by society to blame myself for these things- to question, what I was doing; what I was wearing, and if I could’ve done anything to prevent this from happening. At no point, yesterday did my brain think ‘What a dick’, ‘He shouldn’t have done that’, or ‘That situation was messed up and entirely his fault’ or ‘he chose to do that, this is not my fault’.

I have mentioned before that I work in advocacy, and today I was able to ask myself some important and enlightening questions: ‘what would you tell a client?’; ‘what would you say to a friend?’.

Despite this awareness and intellectual activity, I am currently curled up in a coffee shop, in a strange city, only moderately shaking- a drastic improvement from yesterday. I am aware of my body language; I have had several strangers come up to me and ask me if I am okay. I am aware of my desire to not eat, the knowledge I need to anyway, the medications I need to take, and how despite all of this that I am still so shaken. I am aware of my desire to be alone. I just want to sleep, but I know I can’t. I worry about the impact of the stress on my auto-immune disease. I wonder which symptoms of PTSD will come up for me, this time. I am aware of them even as they come up. Years of experience doesn’t make this any easier. Awareness of myself and my body doesn’t make what happened easier either.

I am writing this post- not for attention but to bring awareness. According to the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, “The percentage of women who were raped as children or adolescents and also raped as adults was more than two times higher than the percentage among women without an early rape history”. More generally, ‘being sexually assaulted puts you at a much higher risk of being assaulted again’. Surviving abuse, or sexual assault and then experiencing assault, stalking, intimate partner violence, or harassment, and then experiencing it again doesn’t mean you did anything ‘wrong’ and we are directing the blame in the wrong direction. We need to talk about the abusers, the stalkers, and the people who choose to harass others.

He never should have done this, if he hadn’t chosen to, I wouldn’t be in this position, simple as that. This is true of what has happened to me, and what has happened to you. Nothing you or I could’ve done differently would have prevented this.