I was asked to write a post about supporting a Survivor, and honestly, I’m not sure how to give advice for that. I’ve never really sat down and thought about how I support Taylor, or any of my other friends that need support. I won’t say that it happens naturally, and that I’m some innate therapy guru.

I feel like a lot of people want to be so cautious with a Survivor. Tiptoes and tripwires, being around someone whose been hurt in such a way, it makes you hyper aware of every word coming out of your mouth. Especially when you first find out. Every joke, remark, touch, you second guess, wondering if this is going to trigger something, something horrible and you know, maybe it will.

But guess what? That’s okay.

Surviving isn’t about waddling out into the water in arm floaters and an entire bottle of sunscreen on your face. Those are okay in the beginning, but you can’t stay in the shallow end forever. Unfortunately, those Survivors that you’re being so careful with are already drowning, a little bit, or maybe a lot. They were shoved off the edge and they don’t get to tiptoe or see the tripwire.

So, jump in after them, and give them sunscreen, a pool noodle and push on.

If a Survivor has invested their trust in you and told you, even just a little bit, of what happened, you’ve been chosen. They’re trying to stay above water, and they’ve chosen you to bring the pool noodles. So, get ready to tread some water and maybe slip under sometimes. This definitely isn’t something for people worried about their hair, I’ll tell you that.

Tip #1: Be the Pool Noodle, Be the Safe Space

Maybe a Survivor will you tell you their triggers, and you’ll have a step ahead of the rest of us. Maybe they won’t, and you’re going in blind. Maybe they don’t even know, and you get to find out together. It’s an adventure. It has a shitty beginning, and the middle isn’t too great either, I’ll be honest, but when you get to the other side of the haunted forest, you’ll both be stronger, closer, smarter. Sometimes, to be a hero, you have to be a bit of an asshole. So if you accidentally make your Survivor cry, or scream, or flinch, it’s okay. Apologize. Ask for clarification on what you did wrong. And do your best not to do it again in the future.

The only thing any of us can do in life is our best, and we have to be aware of that. Survivors can’t expect perfection and those who are supporters can’t either.

Things are gonna be shitty for a while. That’s okay.

You’re gonna feel shitty sometimes. That’s okay, too.

Being a Safe Space can sometimes be the hardest thing in the world. And sometimes, it can be the easiest.

Sometimes being there for your Survivor is holding them when they’re crying, being the shield to their nightmares.

And sometimes, it’s lying next to them in the dark at 2am while they sob into their pillows but you both know touching them will only make it worse because your hands feel like the thing that did that to them and it’s not something you can control or change. You’re the gargoyle in this case, keeping watch but motionless.

And then sometimes, it’s just drinking tea together on a bench by the lake, laughing and being warmed by the sun, enjoying how life can be so beautiful.

And sometimes, it’ll all happen in the same day.

Tip #2: Treading Water with a Dwindling Stamina Meter

I’m sure you’ve heard this plenty of times over the years, or maybe you’ve never heard it, but it’s okay to take some time for yourself. It’s okay to be a bit selfish. It’s okay to take a few minutes in the bathroom to wipe away the stress and breath for a few. It’s okay to suggest they go out with friends or family so you can decompress in your home and enjoy being on your couch, with shitty TV and junk food. Or, I guess, you could go to the gym, if that’s your style.

Every knight in shining armor has took some time to polish the armor, and every protector in the dark has to fetch the wet stone and sharpen their blades. And every pair of warm hands gets tired and achy.

So, watch your stamina, keep your own head above water because you can’t tread water forever, no matter how many pool noodles you have.

Any good adventurer knows to stop at the Inn and refresh before going through the next boss battle.

Tip #3: A Good Party Has Support

Your Survivor isn’t a damsel in distress, they already have their own armor and weapons, so don’t think you need to share yours. You’ll need every dagger and health potion, I promise you.

And, also, guess what, they aren’t a princess needing rescuing either.

They’re the Hero. They’re the protagonist, and you get to be the sidekick. You’re the one taking watch so they can sleep, keeping track of meals because they forget, slipping health potions in their bag because they’re too busy fighting the bad guys to remember about the mortal needs.

It’s not glorious, but every good Hero has an even greater sidekick.

After all, what would Xena be without Gabrielle? Or, whatever, you make up your own reference, if you don’t know who they are.

Every adventuring party has a rounded support system, too. If your Survivor is the Hero, you get to choose your class.

And yeah, it might take some time to find your perfect niche. You might have to start over a few times, or spend a few hours in character creation, researching the classes.

That’s okay, luckily for you, you can change your stats later on if you need to.

If you don’t have a good party round-up, perhaps talk about putting up some recruiting posters. It takes a village to raise a kid, and it takes a nicely sized party to take on the bad guy hiding out in the shadows. So if your Survivor feels comfortable opening up to more people, be it family, friends or a therapist, then you better get some more camping supplies, you’re going to have a party to feed!

And if they aren’t ready right now, then don’t push it. Sometimes, you’ve got to multitask, and it’s rough going for a while, but if your Survivor didn’t think you weren’t up to the task, they wouldn’t have picked you.

Also, Survivors, take it easy on your sidekick, it’s not easy and nobody is perfect.

Tip #4: Setbacks are Okay.

Sometimes you have to try a few times to beat that boss battle. Sometimes, the boss you thought you had beaten shows up stronger further down the road.

Sometimes, the boss battle is the Hero themselves.

Roll with the punches, carry on and keep calm. All that nonsense.

Scream into a pillow, punch the pillow, accuse the pillow of stealing your leftovers and give it the silent treatment. The pillow doesn’t have any feelings. Sociopaths, those pillows.

Your Hero, on the other hand, does. So try to limit the screaming and punching. You’ll regret it and you’ll only make things harder for them.

It’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to disband the party for a little bit. It’s okay to take break to focus on your own story for a while. It’s okay if you get frustrated and can’t take it for one second longer.

It’s okay. Deep breaths. Light thoughts. Do some ohms, do that weird pose that those Buddha statues do. It probably won’t help but the mind is crazily susceptible to the placebo effect.

Tip #5: You’re not Alone. Either of You.

Communication. COMMUNICATION.

Talk to each other.

The original ‘easier said than done’, I know. We’ve been bred into a society that shoves aside discussing feelings and fears. Tiptoes and tripwires, I know.

But guess what? No one is going to pop out the closet with a TMZ camera if you cry a little and bare your heart to each other. And if they do, call me, I’ll come beat them up for you.

Crying is so hard to let yourself do, but it’s so good for you.

Turn on your radio all the way up, turn the shower on high, and let it all go like the Hilary Duff song. Get your Mulan on.

So, talk to each other. And if talking face to face is too hard, text. Call. Email. Write a letter on scented paper, send it through the post with a bird stamp and cursive curls on the page.

I mean, shit, if you wanna send a pigeon, go for it. I’m not gonna cramp your style.

The big bad Boss thrives on your silence. That’s what the monster wants. The thing that hurt your Survivor lives on the fear of speaking out and telling people what happened.

So shout FUCK YOU and tell each other that you hate it when they leave their socks on the couch. Or that their toes are too cold in the night.

Or that you can’t have sex with the lights out because it’s too much of a bad memory.

Honesty, that’s the best you can do. So do it.

 

Anyway, thanks for following me through the deep end and into the forest. My last tip is pretty simple.

Say I Love You and I Believe In You as many times as you can.

I love you, Taylor. And I’m here for you always.

You can never say it enough, trust me. It’s always good to hear, and it’s always good to say it.

Oh, and warm tea and shitty TV is always in good taste.

Love you all, be safe and strong,

Cassandra