I created this section: ‘Finding Home’, first because the family I have isn’t made up of people I am related to by blood and I have found family over time and in different places. Secondly, I wanted to give hope to those who are at various levels of disconnect from their biological families; there are so many sayings about ‘blood’ or DNA creating this unbreakable bond and that leads to a narrative that if the family you were born into abused you- that walking away is morally irreprehensible. It’s not true, and most times people walk away to protect themselves. It takes a lot of courage and strength to walk away. I want other survivors to know that finding home is possible. I also wanted to explain to those that might not understand that people don’t choose this because they have this fantasy world in their head they want to create. They do it to leave behind something terrible and painful. It takes a lot to leave the family you were born into; you do it knowing that some extended family and friends might not ever speak to you again. It’s terrifying to think that they won’t believe you, that you will lose the people that are caring, and you love so deeply. It scary because (at least in American culture) having a ‘family’ that you are not related to is only you pretending your family is different than the people you’re related to, and the impacts of presupposition go beyond simply whether or not I can ignore the haters.

I have a family that is loving and supportive. It’s not perfect: we fight, we’ve hurt each other, and we get annoyed, but we apologize, we admit we’ve wronged the other person, and we work hard to not make the same mistakes. My family is safe and supportive and I am lucky to have such an amazing group of people by my side. Having a family that isn’t the family I was born into can be challenging at times. There’s, of course, people who knew both my bio family and the family I have now that aren’t accepting of my family. Sometimes it’s hard for my family to understand why I would want to have any interaction at all with my biological family. There are people who don’t understand what it’s like to have that connection with someone who isn’t ‘blood’. There are people who question why I would want to be a part of a family I wasn’t born into and there are those that wonder why people who have ‘their own’ kids would want a daughter or a niece. But these experiences, though annoying, and sometimes painful, don’t compare to the pain I’ve experienced in trying to get normal things done through institutions. There are times where the impact of having a family I am not biologically or legally connected to has caused me a lot of pain and unnecessary suffering when I’ve had to get forms filled out.

My first experience was going away to college and applying for financial aid. My biological parents refused to give me access to their W2’s- which is essential to applying for financial aid. They refused to sign the papers to release their information. When I went to financial aid to talk to someone they told me I’d be sent home because otherwise I’d be responsible for the entire amount of tuition somewhere around 32,000 because it was a requirement of my scholarship was that I fill out the FAFSA. I was devastated. I’d be sent home because my bio parents refused to give me information that the government already had. I didn’t ask them for help paying for school… all I needed was them to sign the forms. They refused to sign and I refused to give up. I contacted others in the financial aid department and asked for help. One woman agreed to meet with me and I explained the situation. It took 6 months to come up with a workaround and in that time I had no idea what my financial obligations would be for school. When I transferred (the second time) to a University in Wisconsin, I ran into financial aid issues again. I hadn’t spoken to my parents in a number of years when I moved here. The process for this University was that I would need to provide documentation that I haven’t spoken to my parents and support that I was sexually abused. They wanted letters from people who knew me, a letter from me, and their final requirement was that I would need to argue my case in front of a board of predominately male members. It was terrifying, I spent weeks thinking about what I would say but I was determined to go to school. I sent letters from my best friend’s mom who had known me since I was 10, a letter from the DA’s office, one from my counselor, and the last from me. A few weeks later I heard that they had accepted me as emancipated without the need for a hearing. All of this consumed my mind for the summer, a barrier that many other transfer students wouldn’t face or encounter getting ready for school. Both times, before they would even let me apply I needed to explain the situation to financial aid counselors, in detail, so they could determine if I would qualify. Luckily, the second time, I had my mom with me for support. I was put in a position where I was forced to tell my story if I wanted to go to school or get financial aid and I had to tell it over and over again.

More recently, I was put in a similar position when I went to the post office to renew my passport. I finally got around to changing my name when I got married and I needed to get my passport in my new name. I went into the post office and talked to someone at the counter who told me that because I had gotten my old passport so recently, all I needed to do was fill out a form and provide documentation (I wouldn’t need an appointment). I had already had everything, so I ran home to get the documents, and stopped at a Walgreens to get my passport photos taken, and returned to the post office. I waited in line and listened to the women behind the counter interact with the customer in front of me. She was polite and even funny and I was optimistic about getting this sent in and done with quickly. She called me over and I explained that I was just here to renew my passport and that the other gentleman told me to leave everything unsealed so she could check it. She looks over my documentation, and all seems fine. Then she gets to the last page which asks for an emergency contact in case something happens to you abroad and they ask you to list someone you don’t frequently travel abroad with. I listed my dad, but I left the relationship section blank. She asked me what my relationship was to this person. I said that she could just put ‘friend’ in the box. She asked: “What do you mean? Is this not the relationship you actually have with this person?” I replied, “Well, he’s more like a father to me but legally he’s not, so ‘friend’ would probably be best”. She scoffed and seemed annoyed at my answer. Then she said well if he’s not legally your father then I’m obviously not going to write that. The rest of the interaction continued this way. She measured my photo and said well it’s 1/8^th of an inch off and if you get someone picky they aren’t going to accept this, she exclaimed in a clearly annoyed tone. She asked again if I still wanted to send it, I nodded my head and continued to stare at the floor. I just wanted to leave. I needed for this interaction to just be over. Finally, she charged me to send the package and I left. I was on my way to my parents for my Dad’s birthday. I sat in the car and cried for a while before heading over. I wanted to yell at her, to explain why I left NY and why I was no longer in contact with my biological parents. I did scream all of this in my head, just not out loud.

As someone who has anxiety, I also think about the future, and about things that might happen but haven’t yet. I think about what would happen to me if I was seriously hurt and in the hospital. I am married so the first person they’d call would be my husband, but next (without a health care proxy) they could contact my biological parents. This is a case where there is an easy solution: get a health care proxy, but you have to know what that there is a default where your biological parents would be next and that there are options to get around it like a health care proxy. ICU units usually only allow immediate family. Are they immediate family if there isn’t a document that says they are? Depends on the person behind the desk. Even with a health care proxy, the could still deny my parents access if I was in ICU.

I don’t think people realize how painful it is for me when these things happen, I think they see it as ‘this is just how our system works’ or ‘some people don’t understand’ but it’s more than that. I experience this more because of the stage of life I am in but some of this stuff doesn’t go away as you get older. I have had to fill out forms and am forced to explain why I don’t know and can’t get my parents SSN’s. It’s a never-ending stream of being told that you’re ‘just pretending’ or acting immature for not talking to your biological family… because it couldn’t possibly be ‘that bad’; then being expected to provide some explanation for why. It’s usually not just one person I’m expected to tell and because these centers are public, I often have a group of people behind me. The position is either tell my story or sit in silence as you shame me. No survivor should be put in a position where they are forced to tell their story, it’s painful, retraumatizing, and preventable. In cases where it is absolutely necessary, there are trauma-sensitive ways to approach asking for this information. I want people to know that having a family that you’re not biologically related to isn’t a misguided attempt to create the perfect family or life. It’s not perfect and the barriers people have to overcome to get to this place are immense.