Family, to me, is not necessarily the people I share DNA with. That is not to say that there is no one who I am related to that I consider family but the reason I consider them family has nothing to do with blood. My family are the people who stand by me, who support me, and who love me unconditionally; they are the people who I would do anything for, who I support, and who I love unconditionally.  My family contains people with at least 10 different last names; people who grew up in different parts of the country and, some, in different parts of the world.  There are some family members who have known me since I was born and others who have gotten to know me only more recently. Among those who I’ve known only more recently are my parents.

I often get asked: “what about your ‘real’ parents?”.

The answer is: this is my ‘real’ family. My parents are my ‘real’ parents. My brothers are my ‘real’ brothers. My aunts are my ‘real’ aunts. It is often people who notice that I don’t share a last name with some members of my family who make this remark. I don’t usually go through the motions of explaining why I call my parents: ‘my parents’, even though we don’t share a last name, but I will here, because I think it is important to understand the impact of words; how they can represent or misrepresent what is actually happening and how they can make people feel included and connected or alienated and different.

Last year an NBC Olympic commentator tweeted that Simone Biles’ parents were not her ‘real’ parents. Simone Biles defended her parents by explaining that they were the ones who supported her for her entire gymnastics career, they drove her to practice, they cooked her meals, and they cheered her on each step of the way. From minor club meets to Olympic gold, they stood behind her. These are the reasons she cited as when explaining that they were, in fact, her ‘real’ parents. She didn’t say “there is a legal document that states that these people are my parents” because that is not what it means to be a parent- to be a mom or a dad. It is about being there whenever you can- through terrible and pain-filled moments and the extraordinary ones and especially, everything in between.

Over the past 5 years my parents have stood by my side through incredible heartache, euphoric successes and lots of episodes of Gilmore Girls. They have traveled with me, along side me, as I try to navigate the trauma I’ve overcome. They’ve been willing to learn, teach, help and just sit with me as I become the person I want to be in spite of and because of what has happened to me. They push me to be a better person; to traverse the world with kindness and compassion. They endlessly nag me and they worry about my safety and well-being. They try to protect me from harm and also let me make my own mistakes- this is what ‘real’ parents do.

Some antonyms of ‘real’ include words like imagined, fake, false or artificial. My family and my relationship with them is anything but these things. When someone asks me about my ‘real’ family they don’t always intend to be hurtful or minimizing. I think the question some people intend to ask is: “where is your biological family?” “do you still see your family of origin?”. There is a difference between these questions and asking about my ‘real’ family. When someone asks me about my ‘real’ family they both mischaracterize and invalidate my experience. This is my real family.

I always thought this would be a huge adjustment for those who have known me since I was a kid to transition to: calling my parents, ‘my parents’. I thought it would be difficult because they have known me my whole life. Turns out, It wasn’t that hard for them, the people who have known me the longest have had an easier time with the adjustment because they’ve seen the difference themselves. They just get it. I am not asking everyone who doesn’t know me or my situation to understand but I am asking that you use language that isn’t minimizing or invalidating my experience.

I call the people in my life by the names that represent the actual relationships I have with them; they are my real family.